Whereas this blog was meant to describe the efforts of my meager attempts at prose - to the exclusion of my usually introspective attempts at maintaining a regular and public journal space - I've decided that my public journal is in need of reawakening (and my carefully tended website is too high maintenance for taking on such duties). So, here I am.
It's Sunday, and I slept in. I spent yesterday doing not at all what I had meant to do, except for a lengthy run. Most of the time I spent watching movies... Today I'm antsy and energetic and restless. I want to do a full workout again, but want to save it for tomorrow morning. It's one of those times when it feels right to do the wrong thing, and the right thing feels wrong. Objectively speaking, my feelings might ultimately be correct.
I've spent no time writing and no time programming. I've got an idea that's as wide as a planet waiting to escape my head, and I can't figure out where the heck to start. I masticate and masticate at its edges, trying to gnaw the project down to manageable bits... but it's like trying to eat a dinosaur. I keep giving up and going back to doing the things I normally do to waste time and clear my head.
It doesn't help that there are so many other obfuscations bouncing around in my crowded skull the past few weeks. It's a full house of contradictions and insistent yearnings upstairs and tending to them each in turn means all is half done and done poorly, at that. The shameful thing is that, objectively, I've got it pretty easy to some. This gives me some inspiration to crank things out, but I haven't disciplined myself enough yet.
O Lord Jesus Christ, My God, Have Mercy On Me, A Sinner. This, my anthem, has helped me concentrate on the important things. It ducks me below the loud surface of my mind and brings me to that quiet place for introspection, merciless self-examination, and the humility to make serious changes to my lifestyle to better my life.
Christ, God made flesh, withhold your judgment and stay the consequences of my misguided actions. Forgive my transgressions for which I will be held accountable after death. Stay the onslaught of the passions and quench the burnings that arise in my flesh. I am weak and powerless to conquer the temptations which assail my hardened heart and mind. Open my heart to the Truth of Your kingdom, and guide me in the way of repentance.
In Your Name,
Amen.
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